No one is an island; we are all social creatures at heart. Even when we’re single, we women thrive through our relationships with others. Friendship, family and amours give life a richness and depth that is impossible to achieve solo. Think of all the great works of literature, music, cinema and art – they are all about relationships, at their core.

Connection is what drives us and makes us human; the stuff of life. And if love is the true basis of everything we value, our connections provide us with a solid foundation upon which to build a meaningful existence. Women know how to love. We’re used to giving so much of ourselves, both emotionally and physically, sometimes to the point where we may feel there’s little left.

Friendships go through their ups and downs , but can also, quite beautifully, come full circle,Credit:Stocksy

It’s why we may be more susceptible than men to anxiety and some illnesses, but also why we often remain at the centre of most households, workplace or friendship groups – the glue that binds people together. We give a lot of ourselves, but also receive in return, and the likelihood of this happening only grows as we mature.

Celebrating long friendships

You can’t make new old friends – it simply doesn’t work that way. Meeting new people can be invigorating, but the subtle joy of sitting down with an old friend who shares a kind of shorthand with you offers a serenity and kinship that only comes from being long­-time familiars.

Friendships go through their ups and downs – sometimes life, circumstances or geography get in the way, leading to estrangement. But friendships can also, quite beautifully, come full circle, as in the case of Anne­Marie, 56.

“When I was in my late 30s and early 40s and my children were small, I found that many of my old friends didn’t seem to be there for me any more,” she explains. “They were absorbed in their own things, or working hard, and dealing with increased responsibilities from parents, whereas I didn’t have that to contend with. They had children at different times. One moved away.”

As a result, Anne­Marie says she often felt lonely, “even when I had people to spend time with on a day-­to-­day basis. The quality of my relationships was not quite there, though. Conversations were stilted or too short, without much depth – I wasn’t really getting what I needed. Slowly I met new people, mostly the parents of my children’s friends.”

Now, in her mid-50s, Anne­Marie has found that many of her old friendships have come full circle. “After a decade or more of intense parenting and careers, we have more time to spend together,” she says. “There’s something really special about being in each other’s company now, just laughing over old jokes or stories we share. We mark out that time together.”

“My newer friends have been around longer now too, of course, but it’s those women I’ve known
since I was in my early 20s or even younger who remind me of who I am and how far I’ve come.”

This sentiment – the sense of friendships being reinvigorated after various ups and downs – was echoed by a number of older women.But there were those, such as 61-year-old Vanessa, who see the same people, year in year out, and feel it makes them who they are.

“My friend Elizabeth has always been in my life,” she says. “Often our experiences have mirrored each other’s in some way, almost at the same time, although we don’t see each other more than a few times a year.

“We both got divorced around the same age and, as odd as it sounds, that was a real comfort. We speak on the phone a lot, or just check in to see how the other is doing."

“With children the same age, we often experience similar milestones only months apart. When we took a trip recently to Turkey, we spent virtually the whole time in silence. But it wasn’t a problem. With old friends, you often don’t need to be ‘up’ or anything more than what you are.”

Reassessing your relationships

If midlife is a time for reassessing what really matters, then no subject deserves more scrutiny than our relationships, and whether or not they are still working for us. This doesn’t mean walking away from people who don’t meet our expectations – many of us would find that impossible to do, anyway – but re­-establishing the rules of engagement so our relationships can continue forwards positively.One woman in her 60s I spoke with was married and worked part time, but says she has trouble asserting her needs with her children, who regularly call upon her for help with raising their own children.

“I love spending time with my grandchildren, and also helping my son and daughter,” she says,
“but there is a sense now that it’s my time. I’d like the opportunity to explore this more, finding out what other activities I’d like to do beyond being a mother and a wife.

“Especially considering that I’m still healthy and active. I’d also like to travel, and hope I have the freedom to do so. It would be better if I could help out every once in a while, rather than on a regular basis. I’m not sure how this is going to pan out when I stop working altogether, as I think my children are expecting me to do more, not less.”

A number of women, aged from their late 50s to early 70s, felt it was important to remain part of their family’s lives, while also focusing at last on their own needs. A woman in her 70s remarked, “After years of child-rearing and looking after others, I think I have earned that right.”

These feelings are mirrored in findings from an Australian Ipsos Mackay report on the recently retired, and a report by the British company J. Walter Thompson Intelligence Group titled The Elastic Generation, which focuses on women in this age group.

Romantic partnerships can go through a renaissance or honeymoon period when the children leave home, but partners with differing views on how they’d like to spend their later years can also be the proverbial fly in the ointment, and even cause a marriage to come asunder.

“Sometimes I think to myself, he has made a good first husband,” said one woman in her 50s, referring to her husband of almost 20 years. “He’s been a great dad, but when the kids are grown and have moved out, I’m not sure I can see us remaining together.

“He’s a lot less outgoing than I am, and has never been very interested in making friendships or exploring anything new, whereas these are things that are deeply important to me and motivate me. I often wonder if I will meet someone more like-minded to share the next stage of my life with.”

Others feel that long-term relationships become challenging when they have made major life changes – such as getting fit for the first time, or finding a new pastime – but their partner has not shared the same journey.

When one woman’s partner discovered a new religion, it upset the entire family dynamic and the
way their relationship operated, with her husband taking annual silent retreats of up to six weeks at a time and many weekends away, putting strain on the family and distancing him from daily life and relationships with his children and wife.

Charlotte Smith, 58, curator of the Darnell fashion collection and a best-selling author, says ageing has changed the way she approaches many of her relationships. “Growing older has made me wiser when it comes to people. Now I’m more purposeful in how I pick and choose those with whom I want to spend time.

“I’ve stopped being polite about this, and although I would never be rude to anyone, I don’t waste time building false friendships,” she says. “I avoid, as much as possible, people who drain me of energy or fill me with negativity. There are so many positive people in the world I want to be surrounded by, I just don’t have time for anyone who isn’t.”

Edited extract from The Power Age (Murdoch Books) by Kelly Doust, on sale now.

Hitting the reset button

If you’re struggling with challenging relationships, here are some helpful tips.

Set boundaries
It can be a hard lesson to learn, but we absolutely do teach people how to treat us. If you’re feeling like a doormat or emotional crutch for someone, address it. Teach people what’s okay and not okay for you.

Ditch codependency
Relationships that are codependent aren’t necessarily a bad thing, but they operate under the assumption that neither member is a whole being on their own. Do the work that needs to be done on yourself first, rather than projecting your needs.

Work out what’s important
Some of us don’t even know what it is we like to do in our spare time — we’re so unused to having any. But a major part of wellbeing is finding out what we like to do for ourselves.

Say what you mean
And mean what you say. Passive aggression is irritating and doesn’t always get the desired result. It’s far better to be upfront and encourage open conversation with the people you care about.

Reassess relationships

There are times when the only solution is to walk away from a tricky friendship, or even a family member. It’s never done lightly, because it’s hard to repair those sorts of connections once lost.

Get help when needed
If you’re really struggling to work out what you do and don’t need from the relationships in your life, consider speaking with a psychologist or counsellor for some objectivity and the practical tools to help you approach things differently.

This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale November 10.

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