ALEXANDRA SHULMAN’S NOTEBOOK: Ignoring our phone calls? It’s the new No 1 industry

We’ll call you back’ is surely the least believable phrase used by customer services. Has anyone ever been called back promptly – if at all? Most times you never hear from them.

It’s despairingly common across online businesses to discover that any attempt at human communication is doomed to failure. The examples are numerous.

Last week, my son was moving from one rental flat to another and booked a removal through AnyVan, an online trade site for drivers and vans. He spent a total of four hours waiting for the outfit to answer his calls as van after van failed to show up.

The move that was meant to happen early afternoon finally took place at 9.30pm, too late to get to the storage depot my son had booked, so his worldly belongings had to spend the night in a stranger’s white van.

Meanwhile, a friend hired a painter through an online website for tradespeople. The firm failed in the basic task of checking whether primer would be needed for the woodwork, so that as soon as the decorator left, my friend discovered the paint was peeling off. All attempts at contacting the firm drew a blank.

So many of these companies hide behind unobtainable phone numbers. Inevitably, too, despite a host of apparent five-star reviews, customer services took no responsibility.

We’ve all had such experiences. Whether it’s banks, which nowadays assume that all inquiries should be dealt with by app, or internet suppliers, mobile phone companies, airlines… how often is it possible to speak to a human? Even if successful, having explained some complex query in detail, how often do you inexplicably get cut off?

Do they call back? Of course not, even though they obviously have our number. So it’s back of the queue time again, hanging on the phone for more hours.

I don’t want to sound like some fusty old thing who can’t deal with modern technology because I’m not. I’m handy with apps and I value the many conveniences that digital technology allows us.

For example, the other day, while returning some intended Christmas presents that hadn’t quite worked out from online retailers Asos and Hush, I was delighted with the simplicity of their returns policy and thrilled not to have to go into a store to sort it out.

But when it comes to contacting anonymous tradespeople, trying to engage with anyone to help is a total nightmare. And using online trade sites where services are aggregated is a huge risk because the people doing the actual work are not direct employees. This means that neither the company you book through, nor the workers taking on the job – such as van drivers – take any responsibility for any mishaps.

The limitless capacity for passing the buck for messing up is only mirrored by the blame-game of most of the participants in the current Covid Inquiry.

Weight jab isn’t the answer, Oprah

Oprah Winfrey’s confession that she’s lost a substantial amount of weight with newly popular diet injections (she doesn’t specify which brand) highlight the complex issues around their use.

The TV presenter insists that she is using the drug ‘as a tool’ alongside rigorous healthy exercise and an eating regime, and the medication is ‘a gift’ to help her maintain a more comfortable weight.

Oprah Winfrey’s confession that she’s lost a substantial amount of weight with newly popular diet injections (she doesn’t specify which brand) highlight the complex issues around their use

Being a clever woman, she knows that blindly encouraging the use of semaglutides such as Ozempic and Wegovy as a get-out-of-jail card to easy weight-loss would bounce back on her.

‘Where’s your self-discipline?’ the chorus would shout. ‘Why can’t you do more exercise and eat less?’

So Oprah says that obesity is a disease, adding: ‘It’s not about willpower but the brain.’

Given her public battle with weight in a culture that admires slimness, it’s understandable she wants validation for her use of prescription drugs. But her rationale for doing so falls short when she says she’s fed up with being fat-shamed – by herself and others.

For hugely overweight people who have a problem maintaining any kind of healthy weight, these drugs are invaluable. But it’s likely that many of Oprah’s huge following who are unhappy being podgier than they would wish will now feel the solution is hard-to-obtain, expensive medication that shifts the onus away from personal behaviour to a simple injection.

The uncomfortable truth about cushions

At this time of year, a cushion seems like a safe gift – pretty, colourful and conveniently not dependent on the giver getting the size right. But not so fast. It’s time to call a cushion moratorium.

How many cushions does a sofa or a bed need?

Trying to sit or lie down on a complex arrangement of cushions is impossible. They inevitably end up on the floor, waiting to be tripped over. Cushions might look attractive in pictures but in real life they should be strictly rationed.

You have to hand it to Taylor’s gal pals

When Taylor Swift headed out in New York for her 34th birthday dinner along with a squad of gal-pals including Selena Gomez and Blake Lively, the glamorous troupe were clutching each other’s hands.

When Taylor Swift headed out in New York for her 34th birthday dinner along with a squad of gal-pals including Selena Gomez and Blake Lively, the glamorous troupe were clutching each other’s hands

Many famous female pals do the same. I’m not sure when it became de rigueur for women to clasp each other’s paws when they arrive at an event but it’s an interesting behavioural development.

I’d feel very silly walking into a room holding a friend’s hand… but I’m thinking of trying it out.

Blissful Caribbean’s missing ingredient

I’ve just spent a week on the Caribbean island of Mustique, but after three days back in London it seems like a mirage. The beaches, the sun, the cocktails, the wandering tortoises – even the warm rain showers – were all blissful. But the coffee? Why is coffee in the Caribbean always so lacklustre?

Arriving home in the miserable damp, the first thing I did once through the front door was to make a stove-top, strong mug of Italian coffee.

Small compensation for return, but at least a little something.

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