JUST when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Good Morning Britain, ex-EastEnder Patsy Palmer appeared, in a foul mood, via Zoom link, from Malibu on Wednesday.
A “wellness guru” with the right old hump.
Whether Patsy hadn’t had enough positive affirmations, on Tuesday, or forgot to rub carrot oil into her energy centres is unclear.
But, within seconds, the artist who’d brought such light and shade to the role of Bianca Jackson snapped: “I don’t want to do this interview, ’cos I don’t want to look at what it says at the bottom of the screen.”
What? “Weather: Glasgow 13C Aberdeen 10C?”
Fetch the Nivea, I thought. It’s bloody tropical.
Apparently, that wasn’t the issue, though. It was her own billing that had really curdled Patsy’s almond milk.
“It’s not OK to have ‘Addict to wellness guru’,” she announced, even if her own autobiography was subtitled: “Me, Love And Addiction.”
So with that, she followed Chunk’s lead and vanished.
No Patsy, no Piers, just poor old Ben Shephard and a stunned Susanna Reid, who admitted later, with some feeling: “It’s been the longest week of my life.”
And it’s hard not to sympathise, as two showbiz hissy-fits were sandwiched by The Sun on Sunday revealing: “ITV producers want Victoria Derbyshire to replace Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain.”
I’ve no idea exactly how many producers, obviously, but they all need to have their ITV security passes removed immediately and receive a lifetime ban from ever entering Network Centre again.
Two and a half hours of children’s cartoons would be a better option than Victoria Derbyshire, who would kill the show within weeks and possibly even days. That’s why, as a matter of urgency, GMB needs to stifle the notion of appointing her or any other worthy, dull, right-on successor and remember why, for a couple of glorious years, it became the most entertaining show on television.
It was Piers, ripping up all the cosy, bland, insincere conventions of daytime television and pouring a bucketload over everyone, including Andi Peters and his own show’s competition: “God he’s annoying.”
It was an intoxicating time for viewers and critics. All the more so because Susanna, with her left-of-centre BBC head still on, was so obviously uncomfortable with it and him.
Then, a year ago, the pandemic struck and the mood changed.
WOKE WASTELAND
Fuelled too much, I sensed, by his Boris grudge, Piers tore into the Government, got lost in his own contradictions and was suddenly in agreement with Susanna on everything. The magic was gone.
Whether he thought this would buy him some currency with bosses, I don’t know, but you can never be too woke for the sort of unimaginative fools who run TV channels, let alone question Meghan Markle’s motives or any of the sacred PC orthodoxies of the current day.
So I don’t blame Piers for telling them to shove their job or have any pity for ITV over the fact GMB is now a world of “meh”.
A woke wasteland where dissembling fools of all political persuasions now get away with it, including Baroness Jenny Jones, who prompted the nutty idea men might be locked in under a 6pm curfew. Piers would’ve eaten her for one of his breakfasts and had a thousand words of condemnation waiting for Patsy Palmer when she woke up to do her sun salutations in Malibu.
On the new model GMB Baroness Jenny’s barmy curfew never even got mentioned and for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom they offered an apology to Patsy who was described as: “Lovely.”
Yeah, lovely . . .
So let’s hope, the next time “Madam” deigns to appear, GMB’s got some attitude back and is ready to reflect Patsy Palmer’s true status in its captions.
“Shouty b*****ks off EastEnders.”
No joke
HOW modern comedy works.
Funny Festival Live “comedian” Toussaint Douglass has spent the last week angrily tweeting about the Royal Family’s alleged baby racism. And the week before that, telling primetime BBC2 viewers: “We all know who puts the cute in mixed race babies.
“That one always divides the room, between the black people in the audience and the ugly people.”
And we’re all meant to laugh.
Hunt is on… for celebs
IN a bold break with its tainted Big Brother past, Channel 4 has just filled a building with a bunch of fog-horning egomaniacs who are attempting to win The Circle’s £100,000 cat-fishing contest.
Luminaries include: “Wild party animal” Manrika, who works in recruitment.
The clinically terrifying Yolanda who was impersonating her own husband, Chris.
And bellowing YouTube nuisance Hashu, who’s taken on the identity of a 63-year-old restaurateur called Syed, who soiled himself at his own daughter’s graduation, according to legend.
It’s an accompaniment, obviously, to the hit-and-miss “celebrity” version of the show which ended on Tuesday with victory for Lady Leshurr, who was pretending to be Channel 4 chat show host Big Narstie, the smart girl.
The one compellingly awful twist here is that the civilian line-up features somebody who’s arguably more famous than both those two people.
He is Ulrika’s mate James Crossley (Real name, Hunter from Gladiators), who didn’t actually introduce himself by admitting: “I haven’t worked in showbiz since the turn of the century and don’t have an actual pot to p*** in,” but you certainly got that impression from the fact that, in order to win the prize money, he’s disguised himself as a 31-year-old nurse called Gemma.
The clinical logic of the choice being: “Everyone loves nurses.”
If all goes to plan, he’s going to give £50,000 of his winnings to Health Service nurses in York.
And the other fifty grand to Hunter from Gladiators: “Because I’ve got so much respect for the NHS.”
How much exactly? 50 per cent. Lovely stuff.
- THE Alan Whicker Award (March).
- Big Weekends Away, Gregg Wallace: “I think the best thing about Venice is the views.”
You think? . . . YOU THINK? - BBC2’S Funny Festival Live, Zoe Lyons: “Do you know what confidence without ability actually looks like?”
I do now.
Lookalike of the week
- Emailed in by Millie Hornchurch.
- Picture research: Reena Ratan.
TV gold
ALL of the extraordinary people who, whether by a horrible twist of fate or design, took part in ITV’s award-worthy Covid film The Story Of Us.
Gogglebox’s Shaun Malone reflecting soberly on Amazing Hotels: Beyond The Lobby: “I quite like a Premier Inn, me.”
The “Orange Tally” twist on The Circle. ITV’s Grace providing a relatively brief and refreshingly understandable contrast to BBC1’s Bloodlands.
And Top Gear catching me completely off-guard with its tribute to “Dad cars,” and all the endless childhood journeys, arguments, “short cuts,” wrong turns and treasured family jokes that went with them. It was beautiful.
Great sporting insights
THOMAS Tuchel: “Sometimes it can be 0-0 when teams don’t score.”
Paul Merson: “His mouth must have been in his heart.”
And Alan McInally: “Antonio starting is as big as Fabianski starting, who isn’t.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Random TV irritations
MAGIC disappearing snowdrifts on the ludicrous finale of BBC1’s Bloodlands.
ITV bothering its ar*e with Amanda Holden’s DNA Journey when she’s already done the BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are? Every single Drawers Off contestant greeting their portraits with a severely underwhelmed “Wow”. BBC1’s Bank Balance wobbling off into history with Gordon Ramsay’s words echoing in my ears: “I’ve never seen so much hanging around in my life.”
And Saturday’s BBC News tribute to Murray Walker, which remembered the gaffes and Clive James’s “trousers-on-fire” comment, but forgot to mention he fought at the Battle of Reichswald with the 4th Armoured Brigade in 1945. The man was a hero.
CLARIFICATION: On Tuesday’s This Morning, Big Brother’s Josie Gibson milked a horse (Seville) in front of an expert called Frank. “You looked totally relaxed doing that for your first time and you’re by an animal weighing the best part of a ton.” He told Josie.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In 1797, which of the Armed Forces took part in the Nore Mutiny?”
Carolyn: “The Air Force.”
Bradley Walsh: “Trying to match your neighbours’ social standing is ‘keeping up with the’ who?”
Jerome: “Kardashians.”
The Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “What body part are you said to hold up high if you’re proud and confident?”
Fallon Sherrock: “Your arm.”
Not since about April 1945 in Berlin.
NOTE: If you missed ITV’s The Story Of Us, press the record button for 12:15am on Monday, when it’s repeated. It’s sadder than you expect, but also incredibly uplifting and deserving of your attention.
Great TV lies and delusions of the week
Funny Festival Live, Nabil Abdul Rashid: “We have a few more good acts tonight. Give it up for Catherine Bohart.”
Bank Balance, Gordon Ramsay: “In this final week, we’re in a great position.”
Work Out The Wright Way, Mark Wright: “It’s very important for me to have light feet in the football I take part in.” Although, you wanna see him shift when Crawley Town’s manager shouts: “Fetch the tea.”
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