BY way of introduction to this next fly-on-the-wall ordeal, I should say that Gemma Collins lost a couple of stone during the course of filming.

Luckily, boyfriend Arg has found them and is wearing them down the front of his jumper, out the back of his trousers and hanging off his chin.

But I’m sure she’ll have reclaimed every ounce by the start of the next run. In the meantime . . .

It’s series one of Gemma Collins: Diva Forever, an off-shoot of public service broadcasting I like to call National Service broadcasting, on account of the fact I find it impossible to watch without longing for the return of conscription.

It’d be hard, in fact, for me to think of anyone who could possibly have less fun watching “The GC” in full flight.

Fair play to ITVBe, however. They’ve not just thought of him, they’ve got the poor sod doing the voiceover.

It’s only Angus Deayton, whose every word has to be extracted here with forceps and retractors, even though, truth be told, on a purely technical level it’s probably the easiest buck he’s ever earned.

Cos it’s not that Diva Forever lacks a narrative, it’s just that it’s got exactly the same one every week.

Gemma turns up horrendously late for an appointment. Gemma treats various assistants like absolute dirt.

Then Gemma dissolves in floods of self-pitying tears when on/off boyfriend Arg does exactly the same to her.

A LOT OF EATING

There’s a lot of eating going on here as well. And I mean A LOT.

They’re like Mr and Mrs Creosote at the local curry house, which definitely isn’t a spectator sport.

But it still comes as a relative relief because it means Gemma isn’t bellowing orders, over-sharing details about her nether regions (“Me vagina’s on fire”) and generally carrying on in that adorably emphatic and boastful way of hers.

“I’m going to sack my manager, he should pick up the phone.” “You work for one of the most famous reality stars in Britain.” “People normally pay to get this close to me.” “I wish I could clone me. Could you get DNA and make another me?”

What? Like Dolly the Orca? On supply and demand grounds alone, it seems a long shot, Gemma luv.

Occasionally, there are moments of high comedy as well. One arrived minutes into the first episode when she asked her musical collaborator (I kid you not) Naughty Boy if her new single could be “heard in space”.

Pause . . .

“Space? Everything you say can be heard in space, Gemma.”

Why’d you think the Martians never land in Brentwood High Street?

'MORE OF THE SAME'

The rest of the time, Diva Forever is the most depressing thing on television right now. A show that offers no hope of redemption. Just more of the same.

The truly crushing irony, of course, is that it’s going head-to-head with Channel 4’s Jade: The Reality Star Who Changed Britain, which is the network’s attempt to apologise for exploiting an ill-prepared and out-of-her-depth girl without any of the contributors ever coming close to apologising.

They can spare us their faux regret and sly buck-passing, though.

Jade Goody didn’t change Britain, she just changed television, paving the way for Charlotte Crosby, Jodie Marsh, Nikki Grahame, Gemma and a format that continues next week with “The GC” on the blower to a well-known tourist attraction.

“Can you kindly tell me how I’d go about getting a waxwork of myself in Madame Tussauds?”

Is it too much to expect you start with just a hint of talent?

QUIZ show dough-balls of the week

The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What national November holiday was proclaimed by Abraham Lincoln?”

James: “Movember.”

Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “KP Equestrian is a clothing range by which celebrity and former glamour model?”

Helen: “Kevin Pietersen.”

Bradley Walsh: “How many minutes after a quarter past eight is a quarter to nine?”

Kwame: “25.”

And Ben Shephard: “On what date is Christmas Day traditionally celebrated each year?”

Tom: “Wednesday.”

(All contributions gratefully accepted.)

A deep sinking feeling

Not 25 minutes into ITV’s big new “emotional thriller” and Anna Friel’s already lost her pants in a rich neighbour’s bathroom.

She’s looked in the laundry basket, under the sink and round the back of the toilet cistern, but you know how it is . . .

You have sex with Adam the plastic surgeon and, next thing you know, no pants.

I’m pretty sure, though, we haven’t seen the last of Anna’s undercrackers on Deep Water, a six- parter which has been sold to us as “female led” for the very obvious and woke reason ITV couldn’t possibly sell it to us as “good”, or even a “give-a-toss drama”.

Cos it isn’t either of those two things.

You’ll already know from that description, however, the blokes are all a bunch of weak, hopeless EastEnders cliches. Joe, who’s married to Anna’s character Lisa, is a drunken football bore who drives a cab.

Winston’s a layabout with a gambling addiction and Guy’s the bloke off Monarch Of The Glen but smugger.

There’s also some other creep called Scott, who’s made an indecent proposal to Anna’s debt-ridden physio mate Roz, who should bite his hand off for it, as that’s as good as it’s ever going to get for her on Deep Water.

Don’t feel too sorry for any of the women, though. They’re almost as bad as the men, as are their hideous children, one of whom (Lucinda) went missing at the end of last week’s first episode.

The police have been called, search parties scrambled, the Lake District scoured and, God willing, they’ll find Anna Friel’s pants before long.

Random TV irritations

BBC’s Breakfast’s over-reliance on “according to a new report” journalism.

Iqra Ahmed becoming the latest gay convert on EastEnders.

Sport reporters who say “game time” instead of games.

This Morning bothering to ask: “Should all doctors wear a fat suit?” (No.)

And comedian Adam Rowe, who was spewing foul-mouthed class-war hatred on the “truly anti-establishment” Tez O’Clock Show a couple of weeks ago but has now reappeared fronting the Nationwide Building Society’s new advert.

Workers of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your fixed rate ISA.

Hosts beyond rescue

A couple of obstacles still stand in the way of Animal Rescue Live: Supervet Special becoming a real television pleasure.

Mainly the presenters.

Steve Jones remains incapable of faking sincerity or delivering a line that isn’t laced with irony and Noel Fitzpatrick seems to have developed a mid-Atlantic lilt along with a Bob Geldof complex.

The ends justify most of the means here, though, as the Channel 4 show gets results.

Since filming began, Mildred the boa constrictor has been taken on by a wildlife sanctuary, a couple called Alan and Vicky have adopted Marnie the French bulldog and Flora the bearded dragon will now be doing every Monday and Thursday on Loose Women.

Great sporting insights

Steve Bruce: “I know for a fact they’ll keep coming back in their thousands. We can’t take that for granted, of course.”

Frank Lampard: “Although it was 4-0, it was never 4-0.”

And Jose Mourinho: “He’s not just a kid with potential, he’s a kid with potential.”

TV Gold

Rob Beckett laying waste to everyone on E4’s Celebs Go Dating.

BBC2’s unbearably sad documentary The Day Mountbatten Died.

Netflix’ death-row series I Am A Killer.

BBC4’s brilliant Woodstock: Three Days That Defined A Generation furnishing me with the priceless information four festival-goers had to be treated for haemorrhoids.

And Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse, who caught absolutely nothing on the latest episode of Gone Fishing but gave fellow angler John Moses the most beautiful send-off any man could want: A shot of the River Tay at sunset and a burst of The Proclaimers singing After You’re Gone.

Lookalikes

This week’s winner is US Attorney General William Barr and Elton John.

Sent in by Peter Scott, Glasgow’s Southside.

Great TV lies and delusions of the month

Born Famous, Mel B’s daughter Phoenix: “Filling her shoes isn’t easy ’cos I can’t sing.”

The Tez O’Clock Show, John Bishop: “Jeremy Corbyn is a brilliant individual.”

Diva Forever, Gemma Collins: “My brother’s vegan, so’s my mum and dad and I’m going that way as well.”

What? Via the scenic route?

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