Don’t be a wanker — size doesn’t matter this much.
“Ineffective and risky” penis enlargement surgeries performed by “charlatans” leave those who undergo them mentally and physically damaged, according to a new study published in the journal Sexual Medicine Reviews.
A team of researchers from the King’s College Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neuroscience in London tracked 21 different types of procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, performed on 1,192 men in the UK and abroad.
“Overall treatment outcomes were poor, with low satisfaction rates and significant risk of major complications, including penile deformity, shortening, and erectile dysfunction,” says lead author Gordon Muir, a urologist at King’s College Hospital. Only as a last option should surgery continue, the study finds, and injectables should be considered unethical outside of clinical trials.
Muir’s team found that “none of the techniques was externally validated,” leaving “scant” evidence to justify phallus work on most men.
The good news: “The vast majority of men who may wish to have their penis made longer have a penis of completely normal length, but they often feel that their penis is too small,” Muir tells The Guardian.
Nonsurgical treatments also are giving men the shaft. Study authors found that injectables did work to increase flaccid length — if only by 2 centimeters (¾ of an inch) or less — but come with a “high complication rate.” (Vacuum devices? Useless, they say.)
Yet grown men keep trying to fluff up what their mama gave them.
In March, an enlargement procedure for a billionaire diamond trader turned fatal. In Papau New Guinea, botched procedures have reached epidemic proportions.
For those looking to go bigger at a lesser cost than their life, one Park Avenue plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Penis” offers nonsurgical injections that can increase a man’s girth by 2 inches — for $25,000.
In stark contrast to the potential horrors of enlargement surgery, good old-fashioned therapy was found to bring men solace.
“When provided, counseling was effective, with the majority of men coming to understand that their penis was normal and unwilling to undergo any further treatment,” the study concludes.
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