Gemma Collins broke down in tears in her new documentary Gemma Collins: Self-Harm and Me on Thursday night as she opened up about her fears that her self-harm could return.
The powerful show charted Gemma's, 41, 20-year battle with self-harm and shared a side to the The Only Way Is Essex star that the public are yet to see.
During the hard-hitting documentary, Gemma, who recently told new! magazine that she's "desperate" to have a baby with fiancé Rami Hawash, opened up about her fears that the urge to self-harm might return and make her an "unfit mother."
Gemma emotionally said: "Because I now want to go on and have a family and stuff, I suppose there’s that part of me… because you hear about people having postnatal depression and all these things. I don’t ever want it to come back. It’s scary. It’s very, very scary."
During a conversation with Rami, the reality star broke down in tears as she added: "In the back of my mind, because obviously we do want to go on to have a baby and stuff.
"I feel very happy with you and very settled with you, but always in the back of my mind, you think: 'Oh s**t, is it going to come back?!'"
Later in the documentary, Gemma visited the HARMLESS centre, which provides self-harm prevention and support in Nottingham, as she spoke to founder Caroline Harrow and admitted she was "worried" it could return in the future.
The star got emotional as she said: "I was worried about that because I want to go on to have a baby and stuff, I was always scared…" before choking back tears.
"It’s not like a normal conversation you can have with someone as they’re going to be thinking: 'Is she fit to have a baby?' It’s one of those things."
As the founder asked if Gemma's carrying around those judgements with her, Gemma emotionally nodded as she thanked Caroline for supporting those who need it.
Gemma then met others at the HARMLESS centre, which she likened to a "sanctuary", as they all bravely discussed their experiences.
She said after the visit: "When you come to these centres, no-one’s getting judges. It’s like a sanctuary for people that self-harm. I found it so touching and heartfelt and genuine. It brings tears to my eyes talking about it now."
At the end of the documentary, Gemma said she has made "peace" with her painful past and vows to be the "best mum on Earth".
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She revealed: "I've definitely made peace with it all. And that’s why I’m ready for the next chapter. I want my children, I want the cat, I want the dog, I want my child. I will hopefully be the best mum on Earth – but everyone says that, don’t they?"
Harmless and Mind provide help and support to anyone struggling with self-harm. Visit harmless.org.uk or mind.org.uk.
For further help or advice, viewers can also visit www.channel4.com/4viewers/help-support.
Gemma Collins: Self Harm and Me is available to watch on Channel 4.
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