Love and hate are two of the most powerful emotions a human being can experience.

And, as the saying goes, the line between them can sometimes be incredibly thin.

‘Relationships are not static. They are a bit more like rollercoasters. The emotions of them can move high and low,’ explains psychologist Caron Barruw.

Sometimes our partners can infuriate us: whether it’s an annoying habit, something they’ve said, or when they do the thing they know pushes buttons.

Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist, therapist and coach, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘When in a relationship we can often think that we should feel only positive emotions towards our partner – but, in fact, it’s very normal to feel both positive and negative emotions towards someone, even when we like them.’

In fact, many experts say it’s OK to hate your partner sometimes – but it’s also important to recognise when this is a problem.

Below they’ve listed some key things to note about hate within a relationship.

Out of tolerance 

Ness says that sometimes feelings of hate can arise when we’re out of ‘our window of tolerance’ and something has happened on to send our nervous system into fight or flight. 

She explains: ‘Hatred towards a partner may be due to association and timing where you see them shortly afterwards experiencing something negative that otherwise would be unrelated to them.

‘It doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner has triggered you to feel like this, it’s just that they may be in the firing range when you let out those feelings of being unhappy, due to being out of your comfort zone.’

Ness stresses that we don’t always know how to express our discomforts in a healthy way – but it’s important to try and recognise when this is happening.

‘Learning your tolerances and what triggers you to feel discomfort can help you direct these negative feelings in a healthier way in the future,’ she continues.

Cathy Press, a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor who specialises in abuse-related issues, also stresses that it’s possible to hate some behaviours or habits of your partner, but feel love for them as well.

‘It depends on your level of tolerance and how far into your relationship you are,’ she says.

‘If a new relationship you may think they will change in some way over time. If an established relationship you might have become used to their behaviour.’

Although, it’s worth thinking about how much you hate certain behaviours – and if they are something you can get past in the long-run.

Cathy adds: ‘It may be that you choose to try and overlook the things you don’t like, though they will become the things that drive a wedge between you eventually.’

You might hate the things they do, not them

To hate someone is quite extreme.

Experts point out that feelings of hate might arise when you dislike something a partner does – but not specifically them as a person.

Ness says: ‘Sometimes when we feel discomfort towards a partner it may be that you’re experiencing the “ick factor” – this commonly happens after the obsessive phase of the relationship where you both learn to have individual identities again while having a joint romantic identity. 

‘Essentially, you’re learning that your partner is human. And while sometimes it may feel like you dislike their behaviour, you now have a choice on whether or not it affects your relationship. 

‘It can help determine whether or not the relationship is worth having, if you’re willing to work through it and accept that even with faults you love them, or, simply decide to end it, you have a choice to make.’

When is hate a problem?

The key thing with hate is how long it lasts for.

Caroline says: ‘Most people at some stage feel hate towards their partners, which can be perfectly normal.

‘If the hate feelings are circumstance and, once the conflict is resolved, they pass and the couple then make up that is one situation.

‘If, however, the hate feelings are slow-growing resentment that’s constantly there, growing bigger with each conflict and never resolved, that is an indication that the relationship is in conflict.

‘Occasionally thinking “I hate you” – can actually be part of evaluation for the couple as well to assess what is not working.

‘A little bit of changed feelings are OK. It’s the ones that don’t change or go away that are the issue.’

Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, also stresses the importance of distinguishing between frequent irritations and prolongued hatred.

‘When irritations turn to hatred or contempt this would definitely signal there’s a problem,’ she adds.

‘Dr John Gottman – a psychologist best known for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction – named contempt as the biggest threat to any relationship and the number one predictor of divorce.’

Also, Ness points out that hatred can also signal an abusive relationship.

She adds: ‘If your partner isn’t trying to help you work through unpleasant feelings and even goes to the extent of ignoring or gaslighting, hatred may be a response to this due to being in an abusive relationship.’

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