The voice you shouldn’t ignore: Call it women’s intuition, but those inner whispers are often spot on, says Ashley Audrai

• Clinical psychologist and consultant Dr Kristine Laderoute, who practises in Toronto, Canada, believes this is sound advice
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I was away for the weekend, seeking peace and quiet to work on my second novel about a group of women facing midlife angst. Stuck at a particular point in my draft, I went for a walk in the woods, earphones in, hoping inspiration would strike. I was listening to an episode of Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday podcast, in which she interviews her best friend, Gayle King.

I stopped in my tracks as they began discussing the very thing I was writing about – a woman’s intuition that something in her life isn’t quite right. King spoke about coming home one day to find her husband with another woman. When she said she’d had no idea, Winfrey challenged her – did she really have no clue? They then discussed how, when we look back, there’s always a ‘whisper’ moment. The question is, why didn’t we listen?

This was exactly what I was writing about, and my novel’s theme became clear. These whispers – especially the ones you don’t want to have – are an experience that resonates with many women I know, whether it’s about our marriages, children, careers or health.

Mother-of-two Wendy Thomas was weeks away from her 40th birthday when she went to the doctor with concerns about her right breast. The radiologist informed her it was fine but, during her scan, they inadvertently found something in her left breast that turned out to be cancerous.

‘To this day,’ Thomas says, ‘I still don’t know what made me listen to my intuition; to understand that something wasn’t right in my body. But I learned to never ignore that feeling again because it saved my life.’

Clinical psychologist and consultant Dr Kristine Laderoute, who practises in Toronto, Canada, believes this is sound advice. Stock image used

Is there, however, any scientific evidence to support this idea of an intuitive knowing? My sister, one of the most rational people I know, is a cognitive neuroscientist, studying the relationship between the brain and behaviour. I asked her whether the whispers had a neurological basis.

‘Well, yes,’ she said. ‘That ‘intuitive knowing’ has a source. There are pathways in the brain that take in information we aren’t consciously aware of at all. This can bias the predictions we make about the world around us, and is what might create the sense of an intuition.’

I had my own lesson in listening to the whispers after my first child was born. To me, he seemed uncomfortable in the first days of his life, in pain even. Something wasn’t right. But more experienced people told me: this is how babies are. He’s gassy. Don’t be so nervous. I’d convinced myself: what do I know? At his next doctor’s visit, I couldn’t believe how low his weight was. ‘Are you sure the scale isn’t broken?’ I asked several times. The nurse assured me it was not. My son was rushed to the children’s hospital, where he was diagnosed with sepsis and, soon after, a chronic illness. I’d known – of course I’d known. But I’d questioned myself and my intuition. I’ll always wonder if we could have avoided the extent of his illness had I insisted something wasn’t right.

I’ve now entered my 40s and I can’t help but be fascinated by women’s lives at this stage, when we’ve settled into the big decisions we’ve made about the kind of life we want. We’re supposed to feel assured and gratified. But do we? Some women can’t find the satisfaction they’d expected and instead feel a deep sense of midlife regret.

This is often when the whispers first show up, and when they’re the most troubling. A friend of mine is a therapist with a thriving practice, often helping women who are trying to put their finger on why they feel so unhappy or unfulfilled. This therapist friend could relate deeply to her clients – she spent most of her time feeling the same. She suspected her marriage had something to do with it, but there was always a reason not to listen to this feeling: she and her husband had been together for 15 years; they had two children together; they’d just finished a renovation on their home.

‘The whispers were telling me, ‘You’re not happy – this isn’t good’,’ she says. ‘But, being a therapist, and raised to believe that you stick with a marriage in tough times, I took these whispers to mean that we needed to go to couples therapy and do some hard work.’

They did, and life rolled along – until one day it came to a painful screeching halt. Her husband left her and, as with Winfrey’s friend King, my friend felt blindsided.

‘I learned later he’d been leading a double life for years while I was busy with our children. The whispers were telling me to get out, but I didn’t want to hear it. I likely wouldn’t have got out if he didn’t leave. Now I work on learning to trust my gut and I teach clients how to do the same.’

Clinical psychologist and consultant Dr Kristine Laderoute, who practises in Toronto, Canada, believes this is sound advice: ‘Think of the whispers as the more primitive yet wiser part of us that instinctively knows what’s most true for us; the part free from societal expectations, unapologetically connected to what we need.’

The whispers can be scary and disruptive. Stubborn.

Not every woman can act on them, even if they hear them loud and clear. In a recent UK study by YouGov, one in three women with a partner said they would struggle financially (or not cope at all) if they split up tomorrow. Listening to the whispers is not a privilege all can indulge.

In my new novel, The Whispers, the main character knows her marriage isn’t right for her any more, and maybe never was. But she doesn’t have a salary or bank account. Secretly one afternoon, heart racing, she views a one-bedroom flat for rent that would be just about affordable. She stands in the empty space and tries to imagine living there, having her daughter only part of the time; the furniture that might fit.

But it all feels too far from the life she’s diligently created for a decade. She goes home, hides the brochure listing and tells her husband she’s been out shopping. Her heart sinks; she’s silenced the whispers again.

‘When we ignore or go against the whispers, we typically feel regret or head towards crises,’ says Laderoute. ‘But when we learn to listen to them, we can live from a place of clarity, and find more peace with our choices and within ourselves.’

And isn’t this what we’re all striving for? As we often tell our children: you likely already know the answer to the question you’re asking. We just have to trust ourselves enough to quiet the noise and finally listen.

The Whispers by Ashley Audrain is published by Michael Joseph, £14.99*

*TO ORDER A COPY FOR £12.74 UNTIL 3 SEPTEMBER, GO TO MAILSHOP.CO.UK/BOOKS OR CALL 020 3176 2937. FREE UK DELIVERY ON ORDERS OVER £25. 

HAVE YOU HEARD THE WHISPERS? EMAIL YOUR STORIES TO [email protected] 

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