Since no relationship is exactly the same as another, cheating can be a very nuanced issue.
Sure, it might be easy to just call all cheaters garbage and wash your hands of anyone who dares be unfaithful to you. It might even be the right call.
But to some, working through the aftermath of an affair rather than throwing in the towel is truly worth it to come out the other side together.
So how can you tell if your relationship is actually worth fighting for after an affair?
Counselling Directory member Dr Daniela Hecht tells us that, while discovering a partner’s infidelity is ‘probably one of the most painful experiences you go through in a relationship’, there are questions you should ask yourself before you end things.
She says: ‘Before you call it quits, it might be helpful to look a bit further into your shared past and your relationship thus far.
‘Have you noticed anything different lately? Has either one of you changed, becoming less involved in each other’s lives?
‘Has there been pressure on one or both of you, and how has your communication been? Has your relationship suffered in any way?
‘How did you feel towards your partner before you found out and now? How do they feel towards you?
‘What has been their reasoning for cheating? What did it mean for them – was it a fling, only physical, or something meaningful?
‘And finally, would you like to make it work again and, does your partner?’
You’ll naturally feel betrayed, hurt and angry, but Dr Daniela says answering these questions to the best of your ability will help you decide what to do next without being reactive or impulsive.
‘On top of that,’ she adds, ‘it may help you to look further into your relationship if you decide to work it out and explore how you would like to be as a couple in the future.’
Briony Leo, PHD, head coach at relationship coaching and self-care app Relish, also gives us a sizeable list of things you’ll want to think about.
She explains: ‘Some things to consider might be whether this is a pattern of behaviour (ie. have they been hiding things from you and not been forthcoming about other things), whether they have broken off contact with the person or are continuing to have them in their lives (even if they are no longer involved, this may represent a lack of respect or awareness of your concerns), and whether you can imagine a future with them (as perhaps a relationship that was not fulfilling or happy may not quite be worth fighting for and repairing).
‘It is useful to also reflect on whether the “pros” outweigh the “cons” in the relationship – whether you may be able to move past this, or whether you get a sense that this is something that is going to define your relationship and impact you significantly in years to come.
‘It can be useful to have couples therapy or coaching after an event like this to help both people to process what has happened and what this means for them.’
Dr Daniela also highlights some red flags to keep in mind when deciding whether to give your significant other another chance.
She says: ‘Your partner might not be remorseful, or worse, gaslight you into believing it was your fault.
‘They may not be truthful or forthcoming once you find out, or this isn’t the first time they cheated.’
It’s one thing deciding to give your partner another chance, but actually rebuilding trust is quite another.
Dr Daniela says it’s difficult, but not impossible.
She says: ‘If you are the partner who has been betrayed it might help you to feel that your partner is truly remorseful and regrets their actions.
‘Although you may not want to hear it, it might help to try and understand why your partner has cheated in the first place. Depending on what the reason is, it might become easier to regain trust.
‘It may also help you to tell your partner how you feel, what it meant for you to find out that they cheated and what it felt like. If you need space to process then ask for it. If your partner wants to be with you then tell them what you need to allow you to trust them again.’
Ultimately, saving your relationship will require the commitment of both parties.
‘Trying to repair a relationship after a betrayal is hard,’ says Dr Daniela, ‘so both of you need to be committed to wanting to make it work and should agree on why you want to make it work, together.
‘Hear each other and help each other heal, find your way back to each other and commit yourselves to your relationship.
‘Once you agree to give your partner another chance, you will have to find a way to forgive for both of you and move on towards a healthy, nurturing and fulfilling relationship.’
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