DEAR DEIDRE MY controlling older brother stopped me seeing my mum before she died and kept her funeral a secret from me.

I am a man of 63. My mum died a month ago. She had been suffering from cancer for three years. She was 91.

Even before Covid-19, my brother said that I, my children and grandchildren couldn’t visit her because of the risk of infection. He is 66, divorced and has no contact with his grown-up children.

If I tried to phone Mum he would always say she was asleep or too ill to talk. I then discovered she had passed away and he hadn’t told me.

I am devastated I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye. I can’t stop crying. It’s made me feel my mum must have hated me.

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DEIDRE SAYS: Once she was ill I doubt your mum had much control over what was happening. This wasn’t about her feelings for you but your brother’s.
Maybe he is jealous of you – of your family life now, but also maybe he resented the attention your mum paid you as a child.
Have your own ceremony at home to say goodbye to your mum. Involve your children and grandchildren and share your memories.

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