CRAIG BROWN: Celebrity couples, part 2 – after Pamela Anderson’s speedy split, is it the Ender the road for the Mitchells?

Sir: I share with your recent correspondents a sense of real sadness at the break-up of the 12-day ‘marriage’ between former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson and Hollywood producer Jon Peters.

Readers have mentioned other short-lived marriages of the rich and famous. May we add one or two more?

As they walked down the aisle, David and Bette Davis may have seemed like the perfect Conservative husband-and-wife team, but the actress’s speech at the reception signalled trouble ahead. ‘Fasten your seatbelts,’ she said. ‘It’s going to be a bumpy ride.’ Sadly, she proved lacking in the tact required of a Conservative wife, and the couple split up a few days later.

Former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson and Hollywood producer Jon Peters were ‘married for 12 days’

Similarly, I sometimes wonder about the marriage of Geoffrey and Sara Cox. Is the boom-voiced Attorney General really the ideal husband for the chatterbox disc-jockey? There have already been complaints from neighbours about the noisiness of their breakfast chatter. 

Russell and Jo Brand

Sir: As your correspondent suggests, disc-jockeys make poor spouses, particularly when marrying classical actresses many years their senior. In our opinion, Chris and Edith Evans were a farcical couple, right from the start.

Diane Abbott and Costello

Sir: Another political marriage that ended in tears was Cyril and Patti Smith’s, which was even more disastrous than that of Roy and Florence Foster Jenkins. Many suspected that the morbidly obese Cyril Smith chose the pencil-thin rock star for his bride because she was the only fully-grown woman he knew who could fit into the same car as him.

But this qualification was not sufficient to keep the marriage going, and within days they had called in the divorce lawyers. Patti Smith’s characteristically morose song, Never Marry A Fat MP, is believed to be about her former husband.

Alex and Sarah Ferguson

Sir: We remember the sense of shock I felt in the early 1970s on hearing of the whirlwind marriage of Paul and Mary Whitehouse.

Sadly, Mrs Whitehouse never warmed to her young husband’s often risque sense of humour. Having written him strong letters of complaint two or three times a day, she finally left him after less than a week of married life.

Chris and Mary Ann Evans

Steve McFadden as Phil Mitchell and Singer Joni Mitchell

Sir: Rather than single out showbiz marriages that have ended in tears, might we not celebrate one or two that have endured?

George Bernard Shaw and his wife Sandie were ideally suited from the start. The grand old man of letters used to love jigging around at his typewriter as Sandie sang a medley of her old showstoppers, including Puppet On A String.

Another enduring marriage was that of General Gordon and the love of his wife, Noele. After General Gordon was killed by marauding hordes on the steps of the Governor-General’s Palace, the ever-capable Noele Gordon put her experience in the catering world to first-rate use and converted the building into Khartoum’s first motel, with ensuite facilities in every room, and a hair salon near the entrance.

Oscar and Kim Wilde

Sir: Anthony and Katie Hopkins have also been blessed with a long and happy marriage. As many of your readers will know, one of them is obliged to wear an iron muzzle to stop them from eating strangers alive, while the other is an acclaimed Hollywood actor.

Another successful showbiz marriage is that of Des and Sinead O’Connor. These days, the veteran all-round family entertainer likes nothing better than to relax in the evening while his wife sings her greatest hits, and fills him in on her spiritual voyage.

Conrad and Cilla Black

Sir: As a famously happily married couple ourselves, we are often struck by the joyful marriage of Phil and Joni Mitchell, as chronicled on EastEnders. Canadian songstress Joni brings out her guitar and starts singing her own compositions as Phil screams ‘Oi! Joni! Cut it out!’ But you can tell that they really love one another.

Incidentally, I always think it a shame that the Royal marriage of Andrew and Barbara Windsor never lasted. I sensed things were going wrong when the bride complained that the groom was ‘all hands’ as they walked back down the aisle together, and the groom protested that he had no recollection whatsoever of touching her.

Woody and Lily Allen

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