Is it possible to love someone whose politics you hate? In a time when the world seems more divided than ever, it's a relevant question. Family members are arguing over politics at dinner, friends are falling out over ideology, and people are blocking each other online simply for stating opposing political views.
Now, no one should be forced to spend time with a racist or bigot, whether they are a casual friend or a close relative. But is it still possible to have loving, respectful relationships with people who hold different political ideas?
Yes, you can love someone with different politics to you.Credit:Stocksy
US psychoanalyst Dr Jeanne Safer is a liberal married to a hard-core conservative.
Her book, I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics, argues it is possible to overcome opposing ideologies, and that we place too much emphasis on politics as a mark of character.
She believes the friction in politically incompatible relationships arises less from the views themselves, and more from what those views represent to the other person.
Anna*, an Australian who was engaged to man with right wing views, says her fiance’s conservative views influenced how she judged the entirety of his character.
“I don’t think he really was misogynist,” she tells me. "But no matter what he said to me, he still came across as a misogynist based on who he supported, and I couldn’t look past that.”
When assumptions are dropped, and people assess each other’s characters and actions independent of their political beliefs, it is easier to have warm and engaged relationships.
Mary*, who is in her fifties, has many friends who are conservative Christians.
“Their views are in line with Scomo – they were against gay marriage, believe that the ‘illegals’ shouldn’t be allowed to come to Australia, that sort of thing,” she explains. Her friends also volunteer at the soup kitchen, give to charity, and are kind to strangers.
“I think people are never wholly good nor bad, just aspects of us are. And this is often due to ignorance, or closed-mindedness.”
Safer believes conflict between people with mismatched political views disappears when they relinquish the need to persuade each other of the "truth".
“Endless arguments between couples who love each other ultimately stem from grandiose fantasies about the power we have over others,” she writes in her book. "And from our compulsion to exercise that power to change their minds and make them a reflection of ourselves.”
The key to maintaining good relationships with people who have differing political views is either to not talk politics at all (‘Don’t mention the war!’) or to talk respectfully without proselytising or trying to convert.
“There is the unshakeable conviction that it is not only possible but imperative to change another person’s political opinions,” Safer writes. “People do change their minds about politics and many other things, but never because we make them do so.”
Kathy*, a doctor whose 80-year-old father is a climate change denier, agrees.
“I knew from previous discussions about politics that there was no point in discussing it. I wasn’t going to change his mind, it was just going to be a source of conflict, so it’s better just to let it go.”
Though it seems impossible to fathom, some couples with opposing ideologies actually manage to talk about politics without fighting.
“My partner of three years and I have completely polar opposite views on politics,” says Carole*, who is in her sixties. “He is pro-Trump and Pauline Hanson, I’m opposed, which we all know is the correct viewpoint! We learnt really early on to agree to disagree, and over the years have still been able to listen to each other’s points of view and take on valid arguments for and against.”
Sandra*, a member of the LGBTQ community whose father voted against marriage equality, also still manages to talk politics with her family.
“Our discussions were always robust but respectful. We both understood that we were not going to sway the others’ opinion but were still interested in seeing a different perspective that we hadn’t considered previously.”
“The real issue is our mistaken belief that intimacy is only possible with people who agree with us on everything," Safer writes.
Being close to someone who thinks differently to us is challenging, and no-one needs to put up with hate. But we don’t do ourselves favours by living in a bubble, and opening our hearts and minds to people who are different can enrich both ourselves and the world.
*Names have been changed
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