WHAT a difference a year makes.
This time last year I was in hospital and honestly thought I might be dying.
I had a hideous rash from the new drugs I had just started taking.
The side effects were so bad I had to stop treatment – not a great place to be when you have stage 4 cancer.
I hate New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I break them. But, last year's was a no-brainer – my only goal was to survive.
So, for once in my life, I have actually stuck to this one.
I'm still here, I've lived to see my fourth 'last Christmas', thanks to those drugs, lots of ablation ops to blast new tumours and a bout of CyberKnife radiotherapy.
2019 was about surviving
My 2019 has been all about learning to live with stage 4 bowel cancer – accepting it's not going anywhere but dreaming that maybe neither am I.
Treatment is and always will be part of life – on Christmas Eve I was back for treatment at The Royal Marsden with the NHS heroes keeping me alive.
I still have cancer, I still need the drugs and as a result life is still as unpredictable as ever.
But as 2020 is right in front of me, I thought I might give a few more New Year's goals a go, given how last year seemed to work.
Living in the darkness, where you are constantly afraid of death, is emotionally knackering.
This year my only hope was to survive, but what am I doing it for? What am I waiting for? To die?
For the last three years I have been living life as though each month is my last.
It's exhausting, I won't lie. I've put huge pressure on myself to make the most of every moment, just in case it's my last.
Living on borrowed time is a cycle of feeling guilty for not enjoying every second, feeling that pressure and then feeling annoyed and let down when my body just needs to crash and sleep.
2020 is about getting on with life
So, for 2020, my resolution – or vow- is to just get on with life.
Living in limbo isn't doing me any good, so my challenge now is how to get busy living – even if my future is uncertain.
Here's a few plans for 2o20, hopes and dreams rather than resolutions.
1. Stay positive
I haven't entirely lost the plot, I am still very aware of my reality.
But, I have a choice… to live in fear of dying or just get busy living, while hoping I might just get really lucky.
I need to start looking forwards and I need to let myself plan for a future.
It might not happen, but I have hope. Hope in the shape of new treatments that are keeping me alive.
I'm here now, so let's go future… what am I waiting for?
2. Take on a challenge
Setting goals gives me positive things to look forward to, even if they feel like crazy pipe dreams.
So here goes… I want to run a marathon.
There's just the small issue of getting my body and back working – which is a big challenge in itself.
But, by committing to something tends to help focus me and gives me the kick I need.
3. Look after myself & get moving
Top of my 2020 To Do list is to start rebuilding my battered body – step by step.
It's not about weight loss or working out every day, it's about getting stronger and managing my side effects.
It hurts but I need to do it for my own wellbeing.
I know my quality of life, mental health and cancer risk all improves when I exercise.
So watch me go!
4. Work out what makes me happy
If I had a blank slate, a chance to start again, what would I do?
OK, not totally blank… I have kids and I need to work and while unlimited cash and holidays is obviously the ultimate dream, it's not quite reality, sadly.
But, I do want to start thinking harder about what I want to do more of and start saying no to the things I don't.
5. Give back more
One of my greatest pleasures in life is feeling like I am giving something back.
From planting trees to taking more time with the people I love, I am guilty of not doing it all enough.
I want to change that.
6. Be kind to me
Big aim I know, but 2020 is going to be my chance to work out what on Earth I want from life?!
Novel, huh?! Chances are it will take me the next decade to get there so fingers crossed the cancer will stay at bay to buy me enough time.
But the key to all of this is being kind to me. All these goals are great, but I might not do any of it – and if I don't, that's OK.
I might still live in fear, in that dark place I dread with a body that won't work and feel guilty about not making the most of every opportunity.
But that's where this goal can trump them all – be kind to me.
Don't pile on the pressure, don't make this cancer thing any harder than it needs to be.
My hope is that 2020 can be the start of a new, braver mindset – one that helps me trust in that future a little bit more.
Happy New Year – and may all your 2020 wishes come true xx
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