LOCKDOWN is finally starting to lift, and I should be over the moon.

I should be excited at the prospect of life returning to some sort of normal.

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And I am, to a point. I can't wait to see my family, and friends.

But, at the same time I am consumed with fear, a fear that has taken me by complete surprise.

It's a new kind of corona-angst, triggered by the thought of leaving my safe cocoon and venturing into the outside world again.

While I have stage 4 cancer, I haven't strictly been on the shielding list – I have just been very careful.

My medical team and I decided that to reduce my risk of catching coronavirus, I would try a treatment break.

But after a few weeks, I had a mini cancer scare when my tumour markers spiked a bit so I had to get back on the treatment bandwagon – with two solid weeks of radiotherapy and CyberKnife.

Pretty much the only other thing I have let myself do is go out for a daily run with my son, for the sake of my mental health.

Turns out I like lockdown life

Life has been confined to the walls of my home and garden, my deserted running routes and the Royal Marsden.

Once upon a time, the very thought of that would fill me with dread.

I'm a 100mph-kinda gal and "go slow" isn't really on my speed dial.

I loved being out and about and seeing people, going to events and enjoying my social life.

But, truth be told, I have got quite used to my lockdown life, and turns out I quite like it.

It's helping me appreciate the safety of home and a slower pace of life, time with my family and finding joy in simple pleasures.

I have managed to get some sort of grip on balancing my fear of corona versus my fear of cancer.

It's 'normal' life that's scary now

Now, all of a sudden, I feel like I am right back on the rollercoaster and hurtling towards a new challenge – how to cope now life is getting back to normal.

I am still terrified of catching coronavirus, despite thinking I had symptoms tests have come back negative.

On top of that, I still have cancer, and that does put me at higher risk.

So, for me, and thousands of other cancer patients this easing of lockdown is a tricky emotion to navigate.

I want to share in the relief, excitement and hope, but it's clouded by my life-long "frenemy" anxiety, which is creeping back.

I'm trying to remind myself that having just been through two exhausting weeks of radiotherapy, it's normal to feel drained and down.

It's so easy to spiral into a dark place when you have zero energy, I know the signs from dealing with cancer.

But, I am anxious… about what happens next, what my new normal will look like and if I will even live to see the end of this Covid pandemic.

I don't have the answers

I won't pretend to have any answers to this right now, like with everything corona-related, it's new and we are still learning how to cope.

Having said that, I have taken some inspiration from a neighbour I chatted to while clapping for our carers.

She told me to be kind to myself, and it stuck with me.

It's something we can all do, and it's something we all need to try and do to look after our mental health.

Being kind to yourself can mean different things for different people.

For me, it's about running, giving myself a break and understanding that I will feel like this.

It's telling myself fear and worry are totally normal emotions – especially when I am dealing with cancer and the threat of Covid.

It's accepting I will have sh*t days, but it's recognising that I do have lots to look forward to, too.

Coping strategies from my time with cancer

After living with stage 4 cancer for nearly four years, I have learned a few coping strategies for when the emotional rollercoaster takes a turn you weren't expecting… so here are a few things I am trying at the moment, I hope they help you too.

1. Be kind to others

I believe in karma, be good to others and good things will happen to you.

It's true, simple acts of kindness towards others can help you feel better about life.

I got my kids thinking about nice things we could do, and we ended up leaving a flower on a doorstep, we painted some stones and left them for people to find, we passed on books we've loved to others and we wrote a letter to a friend.

2. Stay connected

It's easy in lockdown to feel a million miles away from people.

Despite being outgoing and sociable I often want to run away and hide – isolate away in my own little bubble.

Sometimes it's good to give yourself that time and space, but I have learned that when I start to spiral into a dark place it's talking it out that helps.

I need the cheerleaders in my life, my husband, kids, friends and family to say "you're OK", and to pick me up again.

So pick up the phone, or get zooming – don't let lockdown keep you isolated.

3. Ask for help

Don't be embarrassed about saying "this is hard, please help me", or "I'm scared".

You might find there are more people willing to share these vulnerabilities than normal.

We are all struggling in our own ways at the moment, the most important thing to do is talk to each other.

4. Stop trying to control the situation

I have had to keep telling myself I can't control this.

It's so hard to do, but it's important to try and focus on the things you can control.

I try to concentrate on my mind, what I eat, how I am staying connected and keeping as healthy as I can.

I've had to learn quickly not to worry about what "might" happen, and tell myself it might never happen.

I can't predict the future any better than you can, now more than ever we have to live in the present and take each day as it comes.

Cancer has made me the Queen of this, so much so that I don't even plan my diary any further than two weeks ahead, much to the frustration of everyone I know.

If I worried about what might – and probably will – happen, I couldn't enjoy living.

5. Laugh hard and have fun

Don’t take things too seriously. Laughing is good for you, so is smiling.

Since being diagnosed with cancer I have learned to find something to laugh about in even the darkest of spots.

6. Exercise

If exercise were a pill we would all want a bit of it.

I find exercise is one of the best things for my body and mind. When I'm running it's about the only time I feel free.

During lockdown I have found happiness in simply things, the trees, nature and slow pace of life.

I've realised life doesn't have to run at a million miles an hour to be fun and fulfilling.

Sometimes it really is beautiful to stop and stare, to breathe and realise life is OK, just as it is.

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