A NEW mum who believed she had drowned her newborn while suffering with postpartum psychosis has revealed she even convinced herself she was a potential paedophile.
During the constant terrifying hallucinations following the birth of her first child, Renee Barnsley, 27, believed she had killed her daughter, Grace, now six months.
Thinking she couldn't be 'trusted' around her own child, the first time mum threw herself back into work just one week after a horrific five day labour in July 2019.
After ten weeks of feeling unable to confide in anyone, Renee became so distressed that she decided to take her own life.
Thankfully she was found by police after her worried family raised the alarm and she was sectioned a week later.
After a six-week stay in St John's Hospital's Mother and Baby Unit, in Howden, West Lothian, Scotland, she was released.
Renee, a hairdresser, from Kirknewton, West Lothian, Scotland, said: ''Almost right away I was having weird visions which quickly turned into full blown hallucinations.
''Every time I closed my eyes I was going into these dreamlike states where I'd be drowning Grace or trying to kill her.
''I knew it wasn't real but it felt so real. I thought I'd killed my newborn. I felt like a monster.
''I even began to have intrusive thoughts and worry that I was a paedophile so I couldn't bear to be around her, especially not alone."
Hallucinations are one symptom of postpartum psychosis, along with delusions.
Doctors are still unsure why some women suffer from it, but it is thought to be linked to fluctuating hormone levels after birth.
Renee was given medication when she was in hospital – sedatives and anti-psychotics – and was then released home.
I even began to have intrusive thoughts and worry that I was a paedophile so I couldn't bear to be around her.
''Once back at home I did lots of exercise, got outside in nature, had therapy, and read lots and lots up on the subject so that I felt educated and could take control of my life back," she said.
''I feel better than ever now, I've got a dream baby and I'm excited to get my life back on track.
''It's hard to even think about how low I got when I was sick, I knew my mind was playing tricks on me but I had no idea how to stop it.''
Renee, who owned her own salon before her ordeal, found she was unexpectedly pregnant in November 2018.
Having only been with her partner for three months the pair discussed terminating the pregnancy but quickly decided against it.
What is postpartum psychosis?
Postpartum psychosis is a serious mental illness which will affect most mums within two weeks of giving birth.
It should be treated as a medical emergency – and can get rapidly worse if not treated.
In the worst cases, psychosis could cause a new mum to harm her baby or herself.
The two main symptoms are hallucinations, seeing or hearing things which aren't there, and delusions, having thoughts or beliefs that are unlikely to be true (e.g. that you've won the lottery).
Experts are yet to find a cause for postpartum psychosis.
However, fluctuating hormone levels and sleep patterns are thought to play a role.
Those most at risk include women who already have a serious mental illness, especially bipolar or schizophrenia.
There also appears to be a genetic link and, once a woman develops postpartum psychosis, there's a high chance she will get it again.
NHS advice states: "It's important to understand that postpartum psychosis is not caused by anything the woman did.
"Nor is it caused by stress, relationship problems or a baby being unwanted."
Pregnant women deemed at high risk of developing postpartum psychosis may be offered a pre-birth planning meeting at 32 weeks.
If someone you know if suffering from postpartum psychosis, you should contact your GP, NHS 111 or out-of-hours service immediately.
If you think there's a danger of her harming herself or others, call 999 and ask for an ambulance.
Renee said: ''It was stressful as we'd not planned the pregnancy and had only been together for such a short time.
''I used to be a bit of a party girl and never really wanted kids, neither had my boyfriend, but I just knew deep down that I'd not be able to have an abortion.
''The pregnancy was hard, I had morning sickness morning, noon and night.
"But the labour was awful. It lasted over five days and I barely slept in that time as my contractions were so bad and coming every ten minutes – despite the fact that I wasn't dilating at all."
Eventually she realised the relationship wasn't working.
''I broke it off and went to live at my parents but it was so crowded there that the council sorted me out my own place which was amazing," she said.
''Life is great right now, I feel back to normal and I've even written a book about my experiences.
''Grace sleeps so well and is just such a character, she's got a real attitude just like her mum.
''Loving my baby Grace is the best thing that's ever happened to me and she's the only thing that’s kept me strong throughout.
''I'm so glad I've managed to get through my mental health battle, I was so low, I wish I'd just talked to someone and I could have got the help I needed a lot earlier.
''I'd ask any mums going through similar to please go and get help or talk to family and friends, it's really important to talk about how you're feeling.
''And you have nothing to be ashamed about.''
If you are suffering from postnatal depression you can get help. PANDAS is a charity dedicated to helping people. Visit their website here.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
- Movember, www.uk.movember.com
Previously we told you about the mum who has shared her terrifying account of postpartum psychosis.
And we showed you how more than a third of dads ‘suffer from depression’ after the birth of their first child.
We also told you how mum Kelly Murchison revealed postpartum psychosis made her want to kill her twins and herself.
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