By Robert Moran

We have looked into 2023, and we have seen the delights that await.Credit:Kathleen Adele

The thing about pop culture today is it’s completely unpredictable. How is anyone supposed to guess that, say, Will Smith might slap Chris Rock at the Oscars, or that for two weeks in October the world will suddenly talk endlessly about negroni sbagliato thanks to an interview between two House of the Dragon stars?

But that won’t stop us. We’ve tried this before, and we’ll try it again. Here’s what we’re 100 per cent certain we’ll all be talking about this year.

1: The Rih-tirement
Do you realise we’re only a month away from Rihanna’s halftime show at Super Bowl LVII, her comeback after a near-decade away from performing to become a real-life billionaire and a new mum? Unfortunately, it’ll be short-lived: she’ll use the set to announce her retirement from music. Did you not read the bit where I said she’s “a real-life billionaire and a new mum”? She doesn’t need this.

2: The H&M circus rolls on

Harry’s back with his memoir.Credit:Random House Group via AP

After the Oprah interview and the Netflix series, you might’ve anticipated a Harry and Meghan hiatus in 2023. Wrong. Prince Harry’s memoir, provocatively titled Spare – a nod to his futile lineage to the crown – is out next Wednesday, meaning Piers Morgan will be furious by Thursday.

3: I’m a Nepo Baby… Get Me Out of Here!
The nepo baby backlash reached a fever pitch in 2022, so what’s next? A Netflix reality show, clearly. I feel we could all get behind a contest that drops, say, Kate Moss’ sister and Brooklyn Beckham into the wild to see who can survive without the aid of family contacts.

4: Beyonce, bring a broom

Beyonce’s 2023 promises Grammys glory.

The Grammys have been looking for any opportunity to rectify their glaring Beyonce problem (see: Adele’s public apology in 2017), and with her masterful Renaissance they finally have their chance. Beyonce will at last sweep the top categories – including album of the year and record of the year for Break My Soul – because if she doesn’t, there will be actual riots.

5: Welcome back, Kanye…
Is a thing we probably won’t be saying in 2023. It’s too much too soon, Kanye.

6: Pete Davidson will [concentrates strenuously] date a new starlet
I know what you’re thinking: “Do you get paid a bonus for predictions you get right? Cause this is beyond obvious.” You are correct. But we might as well take a stab: his next lucky conquest will be… Joe Pesci, his co-star in the upcoming TV series, Bupkis? That was unexpected.

7: Continued success for Succession
Again, an obvious prediction – everyone’s already clamouring for the fourth season’s mid-year premiere. But giving Tom Wambsgans and Cousin Greg the season’s villainous turn? That’s Emmy-winning genius.

8: Cate Blanchett, three-time Oscar winner

Cate Blanchett is Lydia Tar.Credit:Focus Features via AP

Yes, Our Cate will win again, this time for her delightfully douchey performance as a cancelled concert conductor in Tar. She’ll also continue the Academy’s new winners’ tradition when she accepts the award from Meryl Streep by slapping her in the face.

9: 2023’s biggest cult TV hit?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I see Rian Johnson (Knives Out, Glass Onion) touting a new TV series with the words “Natasha Lyonne” and “Columbo” in proximity, I jot down the title and premiere date immediately (Poker Face, out January 27 on Stan, owned by Nine the owner of this masthead). Lyonne’s mumbly turn on Netflix’s Russian Doll was one of the great things of the decade, so this promises excellence.

10: A return to Indy cinema
Considering the 10 highest-grossing films of 2022 were all sequels or reboots, I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by predicting the biggest movie of the year will be Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (out June 30), starring Harrison Ford and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Can’t wait for Fleabag to break the fourth wall with wisecracks about Nazis.

11: Barbie queues

Flop or not, we’re ready for Margot’s Barbie.Credit:Invision

It’s not just Indy, we’ll also be lining up to watch Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie (out July 21) – even the blaspheming “Margot Robbie is a flop” crowd. It’ll get middling reviews but end up a cult favourite by 2031 (I’m basing this all on the Spiceworld trajectory of things).

12: The next unlikely track to get the TikTok treatment?
In 2022, Stranger Things introduced the TikTokers to Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill and Wednesday got them into The Cramps’ Goo Goo Muck, so what’s next? Someone give the kids Where’s Me Jumper? by the Sultans of Ping FC and see what happens.

13: AI is The Answer
In mere weeks the popularity of programs like ChatGPT and Lensa has soared, so it’s only a matter of time before AI is responsible for 2023’s next bestseller or hit TV show or artistic masterpiece. (Of course, I’d planned for ChatGPT to write this blurb for me but there were at least five login screens before I could even get there, which might be how humans delay the impending singularity: with sheer luddite laziness.)

14: The Pang-demic Logies

Gold Logie favourite, Sam Pang.Credit:Tina Smigielski

Get on the bandwagon now: Sam Pang, noted media recluse and beloved fixture on 10’s Have You Been Paying Attention (and some other thing Victorians watch about AFL), will claim the Gold Logie in June (the most correct result since Tom Gleeson’s win in 2019).

15: Football fever forever
Still feeling a sleep debt following last month’s FIFA World Cup? Well, the Women’s World Cup, to be held in Australia/New Zealand in July and August and to be broadcast live by Seven and Optus, will be appointment viewing. And then, appointment complaining when everyone starts wondering why it isn’t on SBS.

16: Ted Lasso, the backlash

Sucks to be you in 2023, Ted Lasso.Credit:Invision

The third (and reportedly final) season of Jason Sudeikis’ Ted Lasso is due out mid-year, which leaves enough time for Olivia Wilde to conjure up the same circus of bad post-divorce press that dented Don’t Worry Darling. It’s only fair. Prepare for part two of #Saladgate.

17: Bond, the new Bond
It’s either Henry Cavill, who suddenly (and suspiciously) has nothing else to do, or it’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who apparently wowed everyone with a secret audition. Either way, it’s not Idris Elba or John Boyega or Riz Ahmed, so do we even care?

18: 2023, the year of… Pamela Anderson?

Matthew Perry did it in 2022, now it’s Pammy’s turn.Credit:Hachette

Both her self-penned memoir Love, Pamela and a Netflix doco Pamela, A Love Story will be released on January 31, in what Anderson has described as a “raw and unfiltered” look at her days modelling for Playboy and starring on Baywatch. After the talking penis fiasco that was Pam & Tommy, it’s for the best that her story is back in her own hands.

19: The Project’s lineup reshuffle will make it must-see TV
Ha, just kidding. So Carrie Bickmore, Lisa Wilkinson and Peter Helliar are out, and Sarah Harris, Michael Hing and Sam Taunton are in? This is the Ben Simmons trade of Australian TV.

20: The winner of the Hottest 100 will be…
Canonical accuracy suggests it should be Beyonce’s Break My Soul, but the bookies are currently favouring Flume. Dear 2023, why must you keep tempting riots already?

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