Dear Coleen

I’m certain I want to leave my 30-year marriage, but guilt keeps stopping me from actually doing so.

I’m turning 60 soon and I don’t want to waste the rest of my life being with someone who can’t stand to be in the same room as me.

Our marriage has been failing for years and we hardly talk any more.

My husband retired early at 50 and since then we’ve grown further apart – we have separate bedrooms, separate social lives and so on.

I know he feels the same, but he just can’t be bothered to do anything about it because it’s easier to ignore it, come home to a comfortable house and live a separate life. It’s not enough for me, though.

We have two grown-up children, both in their 20s, and I think it’s the idea of them being devastated that stops me from moving on with my life.

Although my husband can’t stand the sight of me, he’s a good dad and we were a happy family when the kids were still at home.

I’m also a bit worried about starting again, having not worked for a long time.

But I do want to restart my life because I want to be happy again and believe I can be.

Have you any advice? I just can’t seem to take that first step into the unknown.

Coleen says

OK, what’s good is that you’ve made your mind up and you have no doubts about what’s right for you at this point in your life. Of course it’s hard to take that first step into the unknown.

I’ve been there – it’s scary. But I think acknowledging that and being prepared for things to be rocky for a time while you sort everything out does help.

Divorce, however amicable, isn’t easy but you do get through it and the relief you’ll feel once it’s all over is simply immeasurable.

The key is to make the first step and then take it one day at a time.

As the days and weeks go on, things will start to slot into place and you will start to feel more confident in yourself and in your decision.

I understand you feeling upset and worried for your children. However, old they are, you’re still splitting up the family home and it will be an adjustment for them.

I hope, though, that being older means they’ll understand and be supportive to both of you. 

It’s not easy being selfless when you’ve spent most of your life looking after other people, but you deserve to be happy and for that to happen you have to put yourself first for a change.

Good luck.

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