Zara* had fallen – and she’d fallen hard. Aged 16, she had got together with her first serious boyfriend and really liked him.
The relationship was a place of refuge for Zara, who had struggled growing up; she’d been in care and had a difficult upbringing.
However, her new partner lavished her with attention, and was kind, charming and thoughtful. The early days of their relationship was defined by the fun they had, spending a lot of their time together.
But it didn’t take long for Zara’s new romance to quickly sour and for her boyfriend’s charming mask to slip – unveiling flashes of the abuser that lie beneath.
Recalling one instance, Zara explains, ‘We were out with some friends. I got chatting to a male friend and [my boyfriend] just snapped – before I knew it, he was fighting him.
‘I didn’t think his anger would ever mean I would one day be attacked, nor realise how quickly it would escalate into being trapped.
‘Because I was young, I didn’t really know what love should look like,’ she adds sadly. ‘Not love even – just what people should treat you like. But I wasn’t taught it and didn’t understand it at the time.’
Zara’s story, distressingly, is not an oddity: a 2021 study by the World Health Organisation revealed that almost a quarter of teenagers aged 15-19 have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime, with women disproportionately at more risk compared to their male counterparts.
In more recent years, prominent figures have spoken out about domestic abuse among young people. Fitness influencer Alice Liveing has spoken candidly about the physical and emotional abuse she faced at the hands of her first boyfriend when she was a teenager.
It’s a topic that psychotherapist Cathy Press, who has 25 years experience specialising in relationship abuse and trauma, is keen to raise awareness about.
Press acknowledges that the term ‘domestic abuse’ may be a misnomer when it comes to describing troubling behaviour amongst teenagers, as it conjures up stereotypes of older couples.
‘We typically think about relationship abuse happening within the four walls of partners living together,’ she explains. ‘With young people, they are living at home with their parents and still victims of abuse at the hand of their partner.
‘It can be happening at school, or on numerous other platforms that young people have access to. There are just so many additional ways in which young people experience forms of abuse within the context of a relationship.’
The impressionable nature of teenagers, and societal expectations about how they should act, may also be contributing factors when it comes to young people experiencing intimate partner abuse.
‘Teenagers have influencers from everywhere, from seeing relationships play out on reality TV to intense dramas,’ says Press, who highlights the issues in her new book, When Love Bites – a guide aimed at young people about recognising abusive behaviour in relationships.
‘We’ve come to tolerate a level of violence in relationships that we wouldn’t have done 20 years ago, and some dramas are sanitising some of the worst things that can happen in the context of a relationship: violence, sexual coercion, sexual assault.’
Press points towards popular teen drama Euphoria, which has faced criticism for some of its more graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape and drug use, for providing a troubling depiction of relationships to young viewers.
Our general acceptance of problematic behaviour is something Isabelle Younane, Head of Policy, Campaigns and Public Affairs at Women’s Aid, believes also could be at play.
‘There’s the trouble that sexist jokes amongst young men are being brushed off as ‘banter’, and not being taken seriously as misogyny,’ she explains.
‘Violence against women and girls is a spectrum, it starts with those stereotypes but it can escalate into coercive control and abuse as women get into relationships.’
Not long after her abusive partner had lashed out, Zara found that he began to orchestrate her entire life, with his controlling nature leaving her isolated, scared and confused.
‘He became very paranoid and started playing mind games with me,’ she recalls. ‘It just got worse – the abuse became physical, as well as mental, day in, and day out. He had complete control over me: he would tell me what I could and couldn’t wear, would keep tabs on my phone, and banned me from using social media.
‘Everything was always my fault too – if we did go out, he would blame me for looking at other guys, even though I wasn’t. And he would ruin any special days – like birthdays – that were meant to be nice and make out it was my fault. I lived in constant fear of all the threats he made.’
The damaging nature of coercive control has become even more pervasive due to the advent of smart phones and social media, which can be abused by possessive partners looking to keep tabs on their victims.
‘Domestic abuse charity Refuge found that 72% of women who accessed its services in 2019 identified being subjects of tech abuse,’ Younane explains. ‘Given the prevalence of social media among young people, particularly image focused social media, such as Instagram and TikTok, it might explain why young people are experiencing relationship abuse so differently to adult women, as there is more of an emphasis on tech.
‘The way images are being shared about them has become so easy and doesn’t always require their consent. Perpetrators can use those accounts to monitor and harass these women.’
‘Digital technology is extraordinary as it allows people to get into someone else’s bedroom to continue the harassment and coercion on a 24 hour basis,’ Press agrees. ‘It can also give abusers some sort of leverage to threaten people to obey to their whims. Its power can make victims feel their position is insurmountable.’
This feeling of helplessness many young victims succumb to may see them feel that leaving their partner just isn’t an option, with their self-belief and independence crushed.
Zara admits she felt too ‘ashamed and embarrassed’ of the abusive situation she found herself in to effectively act.
‘I wanted to think it wasn’t really happening – to minimise it and make it less in my head,’ she says. ‘I think I had to do that just to keep coping, because if I thought about the reality of it, it would be even worse. I never told anybody at all what was going on- I actually think I blanked it out, because it was too hard to deal with.’
The way Zara’s partner isolated her from loved ones also meant she lacked a support system should she choose to walk out on him.
‘He cut me off from all my friends, by always making out that there was a problem or that they had been rude to him,’ she explains. ‘Before I knew it, I didn’t have any friends or family – I didn’t even know anyone outside of him. I wasn’t allowed anywhere without him. I felt so alone. Even if people did realise what was going on, I think they didn’t dare say anything because they were scared of him and how he would react.’
Being entrenched in an intense and abusive relationship while so young can have a deep psychological impact and serious repercussions later down the line. It’s something Women’s Aid is actively trying to counter with their Deserve To Be Heard campaign, which gives a space for women of all ages to share their experiences and offer a form of solace for those suffering mentally.
‘Studies show around 75% of mental health issues are established before age 24,’ Younane explains. ‘Issues that can arise because of relationship abuse include PTSD, self-harm, suicidal ideation. All of this will come as a direct result of the trauma they would have developed due to the abuse.
‘These mental disorders are often coping mechanisms, helping them deal with the abuse they might have experienced even decades after. GPs and medical professionals should be trained to see what coercive control and domestic abuse looks like in relationships of all ages so they can address this and treat victims who present themselves to them.’
Zara acknowledges that her abusive relationship had a significant impact on her mental resilience.
‘It completely knocked my confidence,’ she says. ‘I had no self-esteem, I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t understand myself. I thought I was worthless and struggled to believe in myself. I felt completely weak, ugly, and paranoid. I didn’t want to be there.’
Although Zara’s abuse started when she was just a teen, it continued for well over a decade. It was just before she hit her thirties, and was now a mum-of-one, that she found the courage to leave her partner.
‘Leaving was a long and complex process. It wasn’t just as simple as leaving and everything was over,’ Zara recalls. ‘Once I’d had a baby, the abuse got worse and he also started using my child as another way to control me – telling me if I reached out for help, I wouldn’t get to see them again. That’s why at first, when I left, I kept going back. Even when I wasn’t living there, he knew exactly how to control me.
‘Eventually, I did leave because of my child – I thought if I don’t do it now, they might end up like their dad, or like me in care. Kids are innocent and I knew I needed to give them the best start I could.’
Having her identity so intrinsically tangled with her abusive partner meant that when Zara did leave, she found herself having to figure out exactly what type of person she was.
‘It was like a huge chunk of my life had been taken away – and it took me years and years to rebuild myself,’ she says. ‘I’d been stripped of everything. I didn’t know what I liked… I didn’t even know my own favourite colour. I didn’t know that we can all be amazing and we’re all good at something.
‘Although I had to start again, it made me reflect and realise the situation I was actually in. As time has gone on, things have gotten easier.’
Press acknowledges it takes an awful lot of strength, particularly for a young person, to leave a relationship – and that the current narratives around domestic abuse are deeply unhelpful.
‘Leaving an abusive relationship can leave young people blaming themselves,’ she explains. ‘They can develop negative thoughts and core believes about themselves, that will shape the way you behave into your next relationships.
‘When it comes to domestic abuse, as a society, we tend to put the blame on the victims themselves, asking them why didn’t they leave. We have to change the narrative that says actually there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re having a normal response to the way you’ve been treated. Victims need to know it’s not their fault this happened.’
In order to inform teenagers and change the victim-blaming nature of abuse, both Press and Younane advocate an overhaul in sex education in schools, covering topics like consent and what a healthy relationship should look like.
‘We’ve had a glimpse of how poor rollout of the new sex ed curriculum has been in England, with a 2022 survey from the Sex Education Forum,’ Sophia Galer Smith, journalist and author of Losing It: Sex Education for the 21st Century, explains.
‘Over a third (37%) of young people have learned nothing about ‘power imbalances in relationships’, for example. Almost three in ten (29%) learned nothing about how to recognise grooming for sexual exploitation.
‘Couple that with the fact there’s no standardised way of training sex educators and teachers to deliver sex education in the UK, and that the government has only delivered a few million pounds to support training for the new curriculum, and you have a lot of individuals feeling poorly prepared to help kids out the way they’d like to.
‘There are a number of societal factors which compound to sadly lead to domestic violence that sex education by itself will never be able to put an end to, but it’s a start to educate young people about power, gender and agency.’
Zara agrees that more intervention on abusive relationship is needed in schools from people that children can identify with.
‘I think we need more positive work – focused on knowing your worth, building good mental health and self-esteem – especially for younger girls and teenagers who are just finding their way in the world,’ she says. ‘At that age because when you’re young, often people don’t take you seriously. I think I would’ve benefited so much from being able to talk to someone in the same situation, someone that looked like me, and came from a similar background – someone I could relate to.’
For now, Zara has created new foundations for a happier life away from her abuser. After doing volunteer work to build up her confidence, she has gone on to complete a university degree, get a job working in youth services and find a new group of friends. While things are better for her, she is still scarred by the abuse she endured throughout her teenage years.
‘I’m not in a relationship now – I haven’t been since I left him,’ she says. ‘But I feel things are falling into place now.
‘It took a long time, but now I feel like I am actually free.’
*Names have been changed
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