Written by The Honest Boss

The Honest Boss on how to toe the line between friendship and professionalism.

“I work in quite a casual environment, where many of us are friends outside of the office. We have a great laugh when we’re there and have developed some colloquial ways of communicating – ‘mate’, ‘pal’ and ‘love’ are all part of our shared lexicon. However, when I recently thanked a colleague for a favour she had done and referred to her as ‘babe’; she responded, “I’m not your babe,” and chastised me over it.  Now things are awkward and I’m terrified to be my usual friendly self at work.”

Rachel, 34

I agree that the episode is awkward. Strangely, I have actually experienced this scenario twice in my career with two different colleagues – both of whom were men. The first time was with the new managing director of my company who insisted on calling me ‘mate’ from our very first meeting and in every conversation afterwards. I resented the fact that he was behaving as if we were friends when he was my new boss. 

While I was trying to make a good first impression, he was treating me like someone he met down the pub. It was like a weird power play, and I felt belittled rather than respected by him. I am glad to say this man didn’t last very long in his position, and I think my harsh feelings towards him were symptomatic of his overall unsuitability for the job.

The second time this happened to me was with a bloke who was part of my peer group in another company. He called everyone ‘geezer’ or ‘matey’ except, of course, the bosses and I saw it as an irritating affectation. He had high status but acted as if he was everyone’s friend. It turned out that he gained a reputation for stitching up innocent colleagues to the bosses whenever it was to his advantage. The irony was that instead of engendering warmth, his manner induced hostility.

What both of these examples demonstrate is that context is everything. It’s pretty clear that you have meant no disrespect to your colleague but have merely adopted the acceptable culture of your workplace.

However, you may want to reflect on the possible reasons for your colleague’s sensitivity. Try putting yourself in her shoes and imagine her feelings of discomfort. She may be less confident than you are at work and is perhaps insecure in her job. Perhaps, like I did, she feels undermined and disrespected by you. Also, she may have had a very traditional upbringing and has been taught that work requires more formal manners. Even though it’s not very pleasant for you, I think you should acknowledge that it has taken courage for her to speak up.

Try to seek her out for a private, gentle chat so that you can let her know how you feel and that you didn’t mean any offence. This would be an opportunity for you to understand where she’s coming from. Your affronted colleague should then realise that you’re a caring person with the guts to apologise for what is at worst a clumsy interaction.

It is worth realising at this stage of your working life that colleagues throughout your career will come from many different backgrounds and hold contrary points of view to your own. Until you really get to know each other, it is wise to nurture a professional, polite and somewhat neutral way of being. 

This is not to say you should hide your warmth and friendliness but it’s worth reining in some terms of endearment until you have built relationships of trust and respect. Don’t be too hard on yourself but try to nip this issue in the bud and move on with grace and consideration.

Images: Getty

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