Content warning: this piece contains distressing descriptions surrounding rape

In 2019, I was raped by a man and my life became a living hell.

Before it happened, things were good: I was happy in my job and was about to buy my first house. I was happily single, getting into exercise and fitness and had recently joined a gym.

The attack came out of nowhere. I was walking through a park in Birmingham with headphones on, listening to music, when I was hit over the head very hard with something from behind. It was totally random, I didn’t know the person who did it. I thought he was going to kill me.

I got home, relieved to be alive but all I wanted to do was sleep and pretend it had never happened.

I didn’t report it to the police. I was too ashamed and anxious to do so at the time, but in hindsight, I really wish I had. I can’t help but think my attacker might go on to assault someone else and I could have prevented it. The guilt causes me a huge amount of dread on a daily basis.

It wasn’t long, however, until things began to spiral out of control.

I developed a compulsion to repeatedly insult myself, calling myself ugly, stupid, worthless and, what I’m most ashamed of, I had an impulse to use the word ‘gay’ over and over.

It went round and round in my head and I would say it before or after certain words: books were ‘gay’, that car was ‘gay’, I am ‘gay’, my life is ‘gay’. Thankfully it mostly happened when other people were not around.

It sounds almost childish. I am not homophobic in any way, shape or form but I couldn’t help it – it wasn’t conscious. It became an obsession that I couldn’t control and I felt like I was going insane.

Eventually, the negative thoughts made me want to take my own life. The only reason I didn’t was because of my amazing family, who had no idea what I had been through, and the knowledge of how much my death would destroy their lives, too.

Apart from calling the Samaritans and a few other charity helplines anonymously, I didn’t tell anyone what happened to me until recently. I was too ashamed and worried about what other people would think of me – would they judge me for not fighting back? For not trying to stop it? But I couldn’t.

Eventually, I opened up to my family. There was a lot of shock but they were very supportive and talking about my ordeal has gone some way to erasing my shame.

I wish I had talked about it from the start – keeping such a major incident to myself could have helped me avoid a lot of over thinking, and just having that reassurance and care would have been a huge benefit.

It’s unfathomable how much rape can destroy the lives of people and it’s so sad that so many people struggle after being raped.

I have now been diagnosed with OCD with some traits of Tourette’s Syndrome but these days I feel almost back to my old self.

I still have anxiety from time to time, mainly in the mornings, but it’s slowly getting better. I have been referred for treatment, which I intend to focus on as much as possible, and reading stories from other sexual violence survivors has been a huge, huge help for me.

There is support out there for men who have suffered sexual assault but I wish there was less stigma and more awareness – it feels like it’s not talked about as much as it is for women. I was embarrassed and felt anxious that people may think less of me, but I know now that isn’t true.

If I can save one person from going through what I did then it is worth sharing my story, and speaking out makes me feel better, too. Talking about my rape has been the best way for me to heal.

It makes me realise I am not a victim. I am strong. I am not afraid.

Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week

This week marks Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week (3-9 Feb). For help and support, visit a Rape Crisis centre to talk to someone or use the charity’s confidential one-to-one live chat. Or call Samaritans on 116 123 (the service is free and confidential) or email [email protected].

To report rape or sexual assault, visit your nearest police station, use the online crime reporting service or dial 101. If you are in immediate danger or the crime has just taken place, please call 999. Those who are deaf or hard of hearing can also use the police textphone service 18000.

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