I tell you what I want, what I really, really want – one of Posh ’s new frocks.

But I don’t look like her, so will I fit into one? Undeterred, I head to Selfridges in Birmingham, where Posh rocked up for the launch of her new spring collection, to test out her clothes .

After two kids, I’m now a size 10 on the bottom and 12 on top. Top heavy, maybe, but you’d think the zip would meet on a £1,000 dress.

I was forced to go up to a size 14 – the biggest size I could find. Nothing for a 16, which is the average in the UK.

Thinking I’d have better luck with trousers, I grabbed a pair of 10s with front slits up each leg. They hugged my crotch but at £575, I was sure they’d look good.

I teamed them with a blue lace top at an eye-watering £650.
I spent a good 10 minutes wriggling in to the top, but cannot make 2 become 1.

From a distance I looked OK. Nearing the mirror, I realised I’d become John Travolta. And the top clung to all the wrong bits.

Posh says her aim “has always been to make women feel like the best version of themselves”.

But I just felt like crying into a bag of chips. If you are straight up and down these clothes look amazing. Any hint of a bum or boob and you are bust.

I could buy something similar in Next and it would fit.

A blue skirt with a peplum front and side split cost £545 but contained polyester.

I did fall for one outfit.

A silk floral skirt with matching top.

But the top was £695 and the skirt £1,455 so my purse couldn’t stretch to it.

There’d been too much stretching already.

If I were Victoria I’d ditch the designs and get on that Spice Girls tour.

See that audience, love?

That’s what women look like.

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